Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Lukewarm Feet

Now that the ball is rolling, I've been beset by a fresh wave of self-doubt. Most of it can be attributed to the defense mechanisms I developed as a public school nerd; both suspicion of any large and chummy group of people and worry about having my personal interests marginalized and/or ridiculed. I'm less worried about misinformed friends thinking I'm getting involved in something sinister than I am about friends laughing at the idea.

Anyway, I know that's all baggage that I just have to work through. The other thing bothering me is the voice in the back of my head that keeps asking "Why are you doing this, really?" Is it a lark? Is it the secret handshakes? Is it because I'm lonely? Do I really expect this to fill the socio-communal and spiritual voids I've been feeling the last few years?

I know I am totally over-thinking at this point. This is me, who had a similar, silly identity crisis when I admitted to myself about 6 years ago that I like watching sports-- the popular pastime of my high school nemeses, The Jocks. I felt conflicted and defensive, but the rest of the world didn't even blink.

Pragmatically speaking, if my petition is accepted and I work through the degrees only to decide this is totally not for me, I'm only out 50 dollars (50 bucks? How can lodges survive on dues like that? I was glad to hear the Secretary say they're probably going up next year) and a few evenings and weekend days of my time. Under it all, I think all this doubt and over-analysis is just a hedge against disappointment if this turns out not to be what I expect or hope.

My references are off to the Secretary, and I think all of my small doubts went with them. Now the only foible I have to battle is impatience.

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